Goodbye

"I told you I would let you know – so here it is: goodbye. " - Apologies to RSA department of basic education.

You've always had this thing about goodbyes - it always had to be 'goodnight'. I think you knew I was leaving. With every message, every heartfelt confession, you felt me pulling away. I was sinking deeper into myself. I was pushing you away, resenting the depth of your feelings. I did not like the uncomfortable position you put me in. I was the rat cornered against the unforgiving wall.

I do not love you.

For two years and three months you have played with my feelings. You picked me up and leapt with me into the sky only to let me slip between your fingers.  In times of unhappiness, it was you who I turned to. I felt your presence slide around me as you let your own demons fight mine. Together, we found some silence. We found tranquility. We found escape.

You announced your interest and relished  mine. Five times, we made plans to go out. Five times, you stood me up.

I am no trophy. I will not sit idly by while you win me once more. I will not let you place me on your shelf so you can admire me from a distance. I am not unfeeling. I am not a fool. This time I will  not listen to your whispers of paradise. No, you can not talk to me about our relationship. No, you can not take me out. And no! No, telling me how badly you want to take me out will not satisfy me.

I need something real, something tangible. I need someone who is not too broke, too scared, too technologically incompetent to come and meet me. Yes, Mr IT, I'm talking to you. Next time pick up the damn phone and tell me you aren't coming.  

I used to tell you not to be worried every time I ended our conversations. I like you. I'll speak to you tomorrow. This isn't goodbye. In the past, I blocked you over and over without saying a single word, but you always wormed your way back into my phone's contact list and back into my heart. I promised you this was the last time and that when I said my final goodbye, you would know.

Therefore, to your moodiness, to your negativity, to your crass expressions - so long. I won't miss it. To you - you who have toyed with me for so long that I can't tell the difference between love and hatred; you who once mattered - farewell. I hope never to set eyes on your sorry self. 

You have stepped on my heart for the last time. This is it. This is me letting you know.

Goodbye.